I either just made the best or worst decision of my life. I confirmed that I 100% want to go back to
school in person. Why I would ever say that is beyond me. But y'know..
Basically I screwed myself over for the hell of it. Fun. Then again, what else do I do besides make
decisions that can only end really good or really bad with no in between and no forethought?
So I'm probably going back to school in person in September.
First time since March 2020. My best friend since like 4th grade left the city so it'll be weird not to have her around.
Though I'm not sure how much I care since she was also best friends with the kid who threatened to Ted Bundy me.
On the topic of the kid who threatened me. 15 said they didn't block him which seems odd. Who threatens to Ted Bundy
someone and then still has any desire to be in contact with said persons best friend? Weird as fuck. Just like them.
I mean generally you don't threaten anyone to begin with and it eliminates the rest of that but you get my point.
You could say it's hypocritical for me to love Ted and hate the person who threatened me. But in all fairness,
he had truama. They're just a fucking dick. Complete difference between mental illness and being an asshole. They just wanted to scare me
and when it didn't work they had a temper tauntrum because the police got involved. Like no duh you dumb bitch. You threaten to rape and
murder someone and the cops are gonna get involved. Not exactly a complicated concept if ya ask me.
Anyway, off the topic of them. I feel like things in my life are trying to come together right now and getting stuck.
Like the universe is trying to piece together what my existance should even out to but can't pick a path.
Oh yeah, 13 tried to message me a little while ago. I don't really care about him anymore though. I mean I'd save him if a car was
headed for him. But I wouldn't go out of mt way to make sure I was there just on the off chance there might be a car. Y'know?
Besides all that. It's 2am. Almost 3. And I'm strangely tired for how late I usually stay up. Probably because 10 woke me up at 11am
after me going to me going to bed at 5:30am, just so she could drag me around to stores all day for no reason.
It's not even like she bought much of anything. She just uselessly woke me up early and dragged me out of the house. What sane person does that?
Anyway, I think I'm gonna go to bed now. Night.
7.19.21
As the end of ninth grade draws near I contemplate a lot of things.
One in particular: my future. Or lack there of. I suppose until now, it's never truely sunk in that I was going to die before I'd even get the chance
to turn nineteen. I often find myself thinking about how my life was so nearly ended so early on.
Mere minutes into life and something out there wanted me dead..
So why aren't I dead?
If something really wanted me dead so badly that it nearly killed me in my first moments alive.
Tried to stop my first breaths -- why? -- why did it not succeed?
I almost wish it did. Then I wouldn't have this constant feeling of doom follow
me everywhere. I can't do anything without thinking of my inevitable early grave anymore. It's not that I consider it a bad thing; I don't.
This is going to be part of my story. It's part of who I am now and who I'll eventually become. I don't fear death. I don't fear much these days.
But I do worry for what may happen after my death. I'm more than certain it will be at my own hand. But I've tried before..
and every time I did my sister has blamed herself to one extent or another. In reality it has nothing to do with my family. It's simply a feeling of disbelonging.
A feeling of misplacement almost. Don't get me wrong I don't think I was misplaced. Not location wise, not time wise, not in any way, shape, or form.
I think I shouldn't have ever existed on this earth to begin with. And not in a depressing "I hate my life" way. I love my life. To the most I can with the circumstances
life has thrown at me that is. I mean I- okay I suppose I do think I was misplaced. But not in the way you're probably thinking.
I think I belong in a different realm almost..
Like this universe was never for me. I was never supposed to be here but I was supposed to exist in general.
Just not in this world or universe.
I may sound insane. I really don't expect anybody to understand. Even I have only recently
figured this out and I started feeling this way well.. for as long as I can remember.
Anyway, I haven't texted 22 in a while. I didn't intend to cut him off this early; but things may work out that way.
Which is fair because I planned on going my high school years, and presumably last years; without friends. Without anyone I could hurt when this feeling
finally reigns true. I mean I don't really want friends. Sure they're nice to have around but.. well, I don't need anyone but myself anymore. I don't
think I ever did. That girl I mentioned, my best friend. The one who moved an hour away. Talked to her once since she moved. Over text of course. 22 and her were my
last real friends from school. Ending things with them is a smart move. It's the final step I needed to take socially. Not the final step in genral. Hell, I don't even
know what the final step in general will look like. But it's the final step socially.
I killed my own social status. And I did it because I wanted to.
7.6.21
Haha, fml. I'm taking a computer engineering class and I'm definetly gonna fail it.
I have no clue wtf I'm doing and the major assignment is due tomorrow. Why don't I have a clue what's going on? Because I've been doing school online and as much as I hate my school
and everybody there: I can't learn anything when I'm not there in person.
Honestly I know it doesn't matter because I'm not gonna graduate anyway considering I'll presumably be dead at 18.
But my parents don't know that. They don't know I don't have a future to worry about. So in my mind failing this class means nothing. But to them it means so much more than that.
Another issue that comes from knowing a general time you'll be dead by: you stop worrying about the future.
Because it doesn't exist. But if you don't seem like you care people get concerned and start digging where they shouldn't be.
Anyway, I get my second dose for the COVID shot in August so come September I'll be back in school in person.
And sure I'll hate it; but people won't question things cause I'll actually be learning things and able to do decently in classes.
My bestfriend also moved an hour away from my city so I'm officially nearly friendless which isn't entirely bad.
It just means once I'm gone there'll be less people who it effects. I think I might cut off 22 soon. He's a great guy and all but thats just it. I don't want him to be
crazily effected whenever this happens. If he gets used to not having me around: it won't be as much of a change for him. I'm just sparing peoples emptions. There's no use being
close to people when it's only gonna hurt them in the long run anyway.
7.5.21
Things are getting confusing. In many ways. I've always known I wasn't making out of high school alive; sure.
But now, being in high school. Only 18 days left until grade nine is over.. It brings a strange sense of doom. Death is looming over my shoulders and I know it.
I think it'll be at my own hand. That much I've kind of accepted. I mean it's not like I haven't tried to y'know.... before.
But whenever this happens: it's gonna work. There will be no attempt about it. It'll be a success; and that's how I want it to be.
I have a slight fear that I'll try to kms come twelfth grade and it won't work. That this feeling will have meant nothing.
But even so. My mind comes to a blank when I try to picture my future beyond eighteen. It's like that's just when my life is set to end. It's like a ticking time bomb
waiting to go off. And yet there's still a part of me that thinks that time bomb may be faulty.
My existance was never meant to happen to begin with though. Maybe the universe will finally correct
its self once the time is right.
Maybe it's waiting to give my family and friends just a little more time with me before I'm gone. Because as much as I shouldnt exist; I do.
And it will effect people when I'm gone (despite the fact that I often think otherwise). But it is what it is and I'll die when I die. It's inevitable.
It happens to everyone eventually. It was always only a matter of time. My paranoia that I'll survive is only settled by one thing.. Every time I've had a
gut feeling to this extent: it has always reigned true.
For example: as a child I always had a feeling I'd end up being bullied in school.
It resulted in me having a deathly fear of school and crying every year on the first day right up until third grade.. Then in fourth: I had peace. Fifth grade it happened.
I became "friends" with the girl who later threatened to Ted Bundy me. As well as the other girl who was talking about it with her. Both of whom bullied me for years before that incident.
Things in my life always line up to these weird feelings.. Even one time I was at school (I go to Catholic school;
no I don't believe in Christianity). We had this weird rosary thing where these ladies from some program came in once a month and we'd pray the rosary.
Yada, yada, boring catholic stuff. But this one day in 2019.. I remember actually participating in the prayers. Something I had never willingly done before then.
Why did I participate? I started thinking about my uncle who was in the hospital. The reason I was thinking about him was because my mom had rushed to the hospital
late the night before because he was in fait bad condition and they didn't think he'd survive (I didn't know that at the time). When I got home;
my sister told me he had died while I was at school. The only time I participated in prayers at that school.... and it was because I had a weird feeling something bad was gonna happen.
My life has weird ways of working out the way I think it will. Even back in seventh grade;
was terrified of graduating the next year. I didn't want to do the ceremony and stuff. The idea of graduating from anywhere terrified me because
it meant dealing with something new; usually worse; afterwards. I had a feeling that graduation wouldn't happen. I didn't think I'd die before then.
I just didn't think it would happen. Half that school year got cancelled for COVID and I never had to do a graduation ceremony..
So all things considered: No. I don't have reason to be worried about my future or that this feeling could mean nothing.
Because the world has proven time and time again: my intuition is never wrong. Yet there's still a sense of fear. I shouldn't be paranoid. But I still am.